Jack Vinson directed me to this site, which included instructions on how to write a resume your recruiter will hate. (Have you seen this before?)
Leave all contact information off your resume. We love a mystery! It is so convenient having to wait until we get a reply to an email to find out your phone number and location.
Make sure you have an objective listed that has nothing to do with your experience or the job you have applied for.
Don’t put a summary. That makes it way too easy for anyone to know your main areas of expertise and get interested enough to read the rest of the resume. If you insist on putting in a summary be sure and tell everyone all of your great personal qualities (visionary, results oriented professional, inspiring leader) and never mention your accomplishments or experience.
Make sure you leave out a technical summary as well. Anyone that is hiring an IT consultant should know just by your job titles what technical skills you have. Why would you want to work for anyone that has to be spoon fed all that information?
Always use a functional resume format. That way no one can tell when you last performed any of the functions listed. Best to keep everyone in the dark about your recent experience.
If you do list job responsibilities under the job titles, put in as little detail as possible. This will ensure that no one reading your resume will know much at all about what you do all day. In the alternative – write huge blocks of text (don’t use bullet points) that will make readers eyes glaze over before they ever read the first word.
Leave off dates of employment. It’s better to just list a jumble of assignments with no context. Also make sure you leave out any description about the companies you have worked for such as name of company, vertical or location.
Continuously use the words “I, me and mine” (or even your first name) when you describe your jobs. It looks very professional.
Use poor grammar and don’t bother to spell check your resume. Remember to capitalize words in the middle of a sentence that don’t need to be capitalized. This will make you look very intelligent.
Forget to list your education. And if you do list your education, be sure and leave out the name and location of the schools you attended.
Include every hobby, organization and group you have been associated with since high school. This is relevant information to a future employer and they will be very impressed.
Hope this helps!
Well, I don’t know…I think resumes like this would make a recruiter’s job a LOT easier - maybe not the hiring part, but the wading-through-applicants part. And you KNOW this has to be based on real-life examples.
Sheesh. I loved it, though, and I’ll probably pass it along. Thanks for the laugh!
Thanks, Florinda. I agree.
I love the “wouldn’t hire this chump in a heartbeat” pile of resumes that used to accumulate on my desk. It’s a fun pile to read and use as a napkin.