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I could never be a funeral director.

Being the human resources geek that I am, I visited the BLS website in the aftermath of my great aunt’s death. I wanted to learn a little more about the funeral services industry. It turns out that being a funeral director is a hot job. (You Baby Boomers out there — the ones who don’t trust anyone over 40 — are singlehandedly responsible for expanding the market. Way to go!)

I learned that the job of a funeral director is quite scientific and technical. Funeral directors are licensed; there are serious compliance issues related to federal & local regulations; and most employees in the field have four-year degrees. Furthermore, the job of a funeral director is quite complicated and requires a working knowledge of laws, ethics, and various religious traditions. There’s also a psychological component built into the job and the successful candidate must be able to guide a grieving family through a series of very important financial & emotional decisions.

Oy.

The National Funeral Directors Association has a fascinating website, too, with interesting resources and statistics. (Did you know that a cremation chamber reaches between 1400 degrees to 1800 degrees Fahrenheit? Neither did I.)

Here are some significant points about the job from the BLS website:

• Job opportunities should be good, particularly for those who also embalm.
• Funeral directors are licensed by the State in which they practice.
• Funeral directors need the ability to communicate easily and compassionately and to comfort people in a time of sorrow.

You can also visit the NFDA website and learn more about being a funeral director. What surprises me most is that only 20% of the people who work in the funeral services industry are self-employed. (I thought that number would be higher but I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a corporatist movement in the field.)

Also, I was surprised to learn that the median annual earnings for wage and salary funeral directors were $49,620 in May 2006. The middle 50 percent earned between $37,200 and $65,260. The lowest 10 percent earned less than $28,410 and the top 10 percent earned more than $91,800.

Only $91,800? Really, I thought they’d earn more — especially because they are asked to work with both dead people and the grieving, emotional relatives. I don’t know anyone in the field of funeral services, so I can’t ask if there are other perks with the job beyond the emotional satisfaction of assisting people during a crisis.

I am attending my great aunt’s funeral services on Monday & Tuesday. I won’t be live-blogging the endeavor (although I might be on Twitter); however, I will attempt to seek out the owners of the funeral home and ask them if they want to talk about their jobs. I’m curious, yo. I will report back to you in the evening and provide any additional facts/stories from the funeral home proprietors. I might also have some family tidbits to share, too.

The best advice I can offer on Mother’s Day? Demonstrate some creativity and savvy! Show mom that she didn’t raise a fool!

• Get up early on Monday (for you unemployed suckers, that’s tomorrow, May 12th, 2008).
• Arrive at Target at 8AM when the store opens.
• Buy a 50% off Mother’s Day card with the remaining $2 from your stimulus check.
• Stick the card in a drawer until May 10th, 2009.
• Voilà! You have your Mother’s Day card all set for next year

This plan is awesome, yo. Here’s why.

• Mom will love this plan because you demonstrated frugality (50% off sale) and thoughtfulness (buying the card a year in advance).
• Target will love this plan because there’s a 97% chance you’ll forget that you bought the card and then buy another one. (Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.)
• The government will love this plan because you’re spending money now (& possibly respending money, next year) and saving us from an economic recession.

Any other advice for Mother’s Day? The comments are open.

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i.

We had a death in our family, this week. My grandmother’s sister, Helen, passed away from complications related to being old. (This isn’t snarky. She was old and it was complicated.)

Helen was the matriarch of our family — a woman who had children late in life, ran a successful Avon business, and was an all-around nice woman. She loved me, and told me so as recently as October when I saw her for the last time. She called me Lauren, which is very old-school in my life and throws me back to the 70s. Lauren, my given name, is reserved for family and nuns.

Helen believed in family and soap operas. She believed in Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. She believed in Chinese buffets and family picnics in the summertime. She was my mother’s godmother and was a gentle caretaker to many generations of children in my family.

She is loved and will be loved forever.

ii.

My high school boyfriend had a baby. (Wait. Let me rephrase that. His lovely wife had a baby.) He helped, of course, and is now left speechless by the monumental shift in his life.

I saw his son’s picture and cried tears of joy. Then I read an article about a three-year-old boy who suffers from a genetic disorder that doesn’t allow him to sleep.

Parenthood. It’s so amazing & scary. Why would anyone want to do it 18 times? It’s so wrong for a variety of reasons — and I was motivated to make a Mother’s Day donation to Planned Parenthood in honor of Michelle Duggar.

iii.

I think you guys need to view the 50 Worst Album Covers in the history of mankind. Now you have something to talk about at your Monday morning staff meetings!

Because it’s Friday and you don’t want to work, I’m giving you a link to Nine Extremely Odd Jobs via Digg. I think it’s worth a look — and a 30 minute discussion with your colleagues in the break room.

Hey, can you get me a donut while you’re in there?

Just so you know, I think the worst job on the list is Podiatrist for the Indigent.

Podiatrists make good money—averaging $108,220 in 2006 according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics—but it is a job few people can stomach: treating toenails gone wrong, banishing plantar warts, cutting off bunions, and dealing with problem feet, all day, every day. There is one population of clientèle who categorically have the most troubled feet of all: the homeless. Substance abuse problems coupled with chronic disease (like diabetes) and lack of proper (or any) footwear can lead to unchecked infections, tinea eating away at the flesh between toes, and other oozing, pussing maladies. The podiatrists treating this population often volunteer their time at free clinics, making their commitment to dealing with troubled tootsies all that more admirable.

Oh my god, right?

You heard about the pregnant bank teller, a few weeks ago, who lost the twins she was carrying after being shot during a holdup?

HR Wench wrote a thoughtful post about the situation and how the bank’s branch had been robbed five times since 2007. Questions:

• What role does the bank have in protecting its employees?
• Is it reasonable to expect an employer to guarantee a certain level of safety when you work in a bank?
• What did Huntington Bancshares (the employer) do to protect its employees after robbery #1?
• How about robbery #4?

HR Wench wanted answers, and so did I! I sent a note to the CEO of the bank, Mr. Tom Hoaglin, but I was only given an option to send an email consisting of 250 words. That’s not much space, so I sent a brief and simple request for more information related to bank safety. This was the response.

Dear Ms. Ruettimann:

Thank you for your email to Tom Hoaglin, CEO of The Huntington National Bank. He has asked that is respond on his behalf.

Thank you for sharing your concern for Katherin Shuffield. We continue to be deeply saddened for what Katherin and her family are going through. This was a senseless and vicious act.

The safety of our associates and customers are of our utmost concern. With that in mind, we are limited in what we can share about our security procedures. At the same time, Huntington has pledge full support of the Indianapolis Police and FBI in identifying and convicting the responsible party.

Sincerely,

Marcie Heiser
Research Specialist, Senior
Executive Escalation
The Huntington National Bank
614-331-9174
1-800-480-2265, extension 19174
fax 614-331-8496

Wow. At first, I was compelled to blog about the sterile & simplistic response to a very serious set of employment issues; however, I’m more outraged to learn that I received the same exact response letter (typos & all) that was sent to HR Wench!

(Apparently, Huntington Bancshares doesn’t employ a Director of Communications or understand how the internet works.)

Stay tuned for more details, and please keep Katherin Shuffield in your thoughts. Of course, go visit HR Wench’s blog for breaking news on this story & other HR stuff. She’s awesome.

I live in Michigan, a state hit hard by the recession in America. We suffer from very high unemployment rates and depressed wages; corporations (such as my former employer) are eliminating jobs and/or leaving the state in droves; and we have an auto industry in denial — one that tries to make money by eeking out profits from SUVs while aggressively attempting to reduce labor costs.

::sigh:::

We’re awesome. We do have nice lakes and beaches, though. The casino in New Buffalo isn’t bad, either.

So what is my state focused on, right now? The important things, of course! Denying health insurance to the ‘domestic partners’ of state employees and seating the Democratic delegates elected in a contest between Clinton versus ‘uncommitted’.

::double sigh::

I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, but the best thing that our federal government can do for Michigan (and for our automotive industry) is to decouple heath insurance from the employment covenant. It’s not helpful for our courts engage in judicial activism during an economic crisis and link marriage, employment, and sexuality. Furthermore, the Michigan court just placed a disproportionate weight on heterosexual marriage and may force citizens of this state to marry for practical reasons. (That’s fine if you support marriage-for-health-care-coverage, but I prefer my fellow Michiganders to marry for love and not for prescription drug coverage.)

I don’t care if we open up the existing federal health care program used by Congress, such as Hillary Clinton suggests, or if we create an expansive (and mandated) federal health program as suggested by John & Elizabeth Edwards. We need to do something fast & simple because Michigan is not an anomaly. Your state is next. Let’s remove the burden of providing health care from American businesses so we can get back to the business of making some money.

While I’m on a roll and making recommendations to help my failing state, can I suggest that we don’t worry too much about seating the Michigan delegates? I have friends in the state Democratic party, and they are wonderful people; however, our interests are represented in the DNC and we are not disenfranchised.

I would be a politician and fix all these things — and more — but I’d never be elected. I’m too punk rock.

It seems like America is outsourcing everything to India, these days, including our notion of appropriate boundaries in the corporate workforce.

Take, for example, this article about the phenomenon of ‘office spouses’ in India.

• We’re ‘just colleagues’-Work-Relationships-Lifestyle-The Times of India

Some background for those of you who haven’t heard this term before: an office spouse is defined as a close, platonic, opposite-sex friendship at work. (The HR professional inside of me doesn’t feel that the definition is inclusive enough. What about same-gender relationships or people who consider sexuality and gender to be a spectrum?)

Whatevs, dudes. I’m sure you get the drift.

Office spouses are fairly prevalent in the United States and achieved notoriety, a few years ago, when it was reported that having a spouse at the office — i.e., someone who is supportive at work — could make you more successful.

I say that the office-spouse-syndrome in India (& the United States) is much ado about nothing. A close, platonic, opposite-sex friendship at work can be better than having a spouse as long as the lines of emotional infidelity aren’t crossed. What constitutes emotional infidelity?

• Sharing your hopes & dreams with your office spouse and not sharing those same feelings with your partner.
• Speaking to your office spouse about confidential or private issues in your marriage/relationship — with no intention of ever discussing those issues with your significant other.
• Using your office spouse friendship as a means to otherwise zone-out on your primary marriage/relationship.

Did I miss anything?

I am an advocate for common sense in the workforce. I think it’s okay to share a mutual love of Top Chef, American Idol, or Gossip Girl with your colleagues. You can be in a monogamous relationship but have a close, platonic friendship with another person. It’s allowed, yo.

The problem starts when you forget that your job is just a job. This is true whether you work in America or India. A 9-5 relationship at the office is a transitory experience — especially when compared to the lifetime commitment of marriage.

Take it from me, suckers. Find a friend at work — regardless of gender — and try to survive the day with some level of sanity. Cash the paycheck on Friday, ask for $50 worth of singles, and then go home and roll around in your money before you spend it on a tank of gas.

Focus on the things that matter most in life and you won’t have to worry about stupid stuff like the relationship between ‘office spouses’.

Earlier in my career, I worked as a Regional HR Manager. I was sitting at my desk, probably buying shoes, and the phone rang with bad news. A Vice President of a division — located in Connecticut — died from a heart attack at work while running to a meeting.

Holy crap, Suckers. Let me give you this hard core punk rock lesson in life:

• Nothing at work is so important that you have to run.

Now that being said, there’s no reason to believe this guy wouldn’t have died at some point had he not run to the meeting; however, I’m not kidding about my no-running-rule. It’s a job, dudes, and there’s no reason to embody stress and lose your identity in the chaos & upheaval of the work environment.

The meeting isn’t going anywhere.

I moved quickly after I heard the news that the VP died. I called the family, called honchos at work, and coordinated grief counselors. Then I got my butt on a plane and flew to Connecticut. This all happened quickly, but I didn’t run.

Moving with speed means moving deliberately and thoughtfully. I operated in the moment as a woman who was conscious of my surroundings. It was a stressful experience, yes, but it was yet another reminder for me that stress kills. So don’t mess with stress on the job, yo. Get a handle on it.

• Call Centers: Stressful Call Center Allegedly Kills Verizon Employee: “She was sitting at her desk and all of a sudden, ‘bam,’ her head hit the keyboard on the computer and she was gone,” another former co-worker said. Young’s daughters said they believe job stress caused their mother to have a fatal heart attack at the call center last year. “She said every day, that she was going to drop dead at her desk, it was so stressful,” Beth Young said. “She did. That’s exactly what happened.”

Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and ABC News has a compelling and interesting article on maternal profiling. You’ve heard that term before, right? Maternal profiling is the bias that some mothers feel in the workforce.

• …according to a recent study in the American Journal of Sociology, women with children are half as likely to be called back by an employer than childless women with the same qualifications. It’s a practice women’s rights groups like “Moms Rising” refer to as “maternal profiling.”

As a Human Resources professional, I’ve seen this bias in the workforce and counseled against it; however, I’m not sure if it’s a bias against mothers or if it’s a bias against anyone who has the audacity to claim relatedness to something other than a corporation (or a job).

The amateur HR professional (*like me, circa 1997*) can find herself accepting this bias (*however unwittingly*) in an effort to help executives & leaders identify talented individuals in the workforce. It’s so easy for unskilled HR generalists and recruiters to sanitize & secularize the workforce — removing all trace of identity & diversity — to ensure a level playing field.

The amateur HR generalist operates from a default assumption that everyone should work hard and give 110% to the company. Anything less than a total & complete commitment to the organization is unacceptable.

Looking back, I can see the culpability of HR (and my own culpability) in some very flawed talent review discussions. There are HR & business leaders who demonstrate an almost Soviet-socialistic mindset when it comes to ‘working hard’ and dedicating oneself to an organization. How committed are you, some have asked in my presence, if you take time off for your family and work from home on Fridays?

When this kind of mindset emerges from management, it’s a teachable moment. When it comes from HR, it’s toxic.

It took me years to hone my skills and ensure that I’m not overlooking speed, savvy & creativity. Working hard, working smart, working fast, and working efficiently — it’s not the same things as being in the office and working 80 hours/week. My goal, over the past several years, has been to ensure that colleagues who find a healthy work/life balance are accepted and lauded in the workforce.

Unfortunately, bias and poor management skills still remain prevalent in Corporate America.

• Homosexual men in committed relationships earn 23% less than men in heterosexual relationships.
• Married men earn more than single men.
• Women earn less than men.

Could it be as simple as a bias against paying people what they’re worth unless the colleagues give their blood, sweat & tears to the corporation?

If HR can do anything, it’s imperative that we work to change the expectations of how people should work. We can also counsel leaders on when it’s appropriate (if ever) for a company to pass judgment on an employee. We can also advise employers to make money on smarter, better, and more efficient products & services — and not attempt to expand the profit margins by participating in unfair, unethical and/or illegal compensation practices.

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THIS JUST IN: Dan McCarthy @ Great Leadership makes the case that being a committed parent can enhance managerial capability. Go here to check it out!