How I Feel About Yogurt

When people try to force food on you, be suspicious. And there’s no more suspicious food item than yogurt.

Yogurt can go fuck itself.

First of all, my cats love to eat yogurt, which should tell you everything you need to know. Roxy will fight you for the spoon, and she also licks her butt. Yogurt goes well with toxoplasmosis.

Also, yogurt isn’t as healthy as you think. Nobody has ever been like — “I went from couch to London Marathon, and I did it all thanks to yoghurt.”

Yeah, that’s right. British people spell yogurt with an H, which is another reason why yoghurt sucks.

And did you know yogurt is full of sugar? I’m not saying sugar is the enemy, but I am saying that I’d rather eat a Kit Kat bar or Gummy Bears because some varieties of yogurt have as much sugar as a candy bar.

Wait, please don’t tell me about sugar-free yogurt. And check yourself before you go down the road of being a plain yogurt advocate. Is it low in sugar and full of protein? Goddammit, it’s not full of taste. This is America, I shouldn’t have to choose.

And speaking of America, this is a land of abundance. If you study history, you know that we’ve always been great without the help of Individual Number One and his MAGA cohort. When I was a kid, we watched the news and saw how Russian families stood in breadlines and suffered the impact of KGB oppression.

In the Soviet Union, they eat yogurt. In America, we eat freedom.

However, now that it’s okay for both Russians and corporations to steal elections, the Putin-Greek Yogurt conglomerate will be everywhere.

Get ready to be hungry.

So, in summary, there is no place for yogurt. It’s a bullshit food and should be banned from the supermarket.

Want to fight me on this? Feel passionate about your breakfast blueberry Chobani? Email me at hello@letsfixwork.com, and I’ll feature your pro-yog(h)ut position statements in future blog posts.

But you’ll still be wrong.