Hey, everybody. I just ran my longest training run before the upcoming London Marathon. I am fundraising for Cats Protection, a leading UK charity focused on the welfare of cats.
It was hot (84°F and 29°C) and sunny. Even though I drank plenty of fluids, monitored my electrolytes, and fueled very well, I still had to sit in the medic tent (my car, AC blasting) several times to cool down. And I didn’t need to pee because I was so dehydrated.
I was a hot mess, and I knew it would be a tough run. So, early on, I decided to go on a gratitude kick and list out all the things that are so good in my life. I’m grateful for my mobility, solid relationships, my family, my siblings, my community, friends, my awesome neighbors, Spicy and her silly ways, Roxy and how she still likes to lick my face, my husband and how he cares for me, his upcoming retirement, the opportunity to try public speaking again, the past success of my LinkedIn courses, my financial stability, the ground, the trees, the sky, the air, and the largest pileated woodpecker I have ever seen in my life. We get them in my yard, but this dude was on the trail and looked like the size of two crows. I stopped dead to stare at him.
That gratitude list also had room for things that, if that’s all there is, would be enough. My cat Roxy is sick. If she doesn’t get any sicker for a little while, that would be enough. I have had some health challenges, and if it stops right now and I just live like this, that would be enough. And I was even grateful for the run. It was hard, but I could do it, and not every run has to be easy. I just need to finish without any injuries. That would be enough.
But as the temperatures got hotter, my mood got a little sour. It was tough to keep my head in the game. I am grateful for the upcoming taper and the space and time to recover and rest before the actual race, but then I thought: somebody is going to fuck this up for me. Maybe they’ll harass me on Threads or send me hate mail. Maybe they’ll poke at me on LinkedIn or IG. Or maybe they’ll hit my car, mess with my family, or give me a cold.
So I started to make a list of what I’ll do to someone if they fuck up my taper.
First, I’ll get them fired. I will straight up call their employer and lay out a list of their social media activity while on company hours. Then, I’ll get their partners fired. Then, I’ll write letters to their children and, depending on their ages, wait until they’re at least 18 to tell them that their parent bothered me during the taper and here’s a list of why mom or dad sucked. Then, I’ll call the vet and make sure the vet knows their client is a terrible person and not to treat their animals. Also, I’m going to spray paint YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG PERSON on their garage door and, if they happen to park on the street for any reason, the car itself.
I’m not done. I’ll go to FedEx Kinkos (if those still exist) and print up flyers with the person’s face and name, along with the URL of their LinkedIn profile, and say this person ruined my taper. If FedEx Kinkos is out of business, I’ll go to Staples. And I’ll post it at every grocery store, train station, bus station, gas station, coffee shop, and car dealership within a 20-mile radius. I’ll also tell the car dealer, hey, this person is terrible, don’t let them service their car here. I’ll also go to Jiffy Lube to make sure that person can’t get an oil change or state inspection.
So, I made that list in my head and immediately thought: wow, I need more calories and AC. So I went to my car to cool down. I ran for 4.5 hours, but the whole thing took over five with my rest breaks.
I’m not unhinged. Well, okay, maybe a little. The marathon is a tough distance, even harder when you’re 51 years old and tired. These training runs help you to figure out how to adjust and care for yourself of the course. I want you to know that I’m coming to London with a good attitude and, hopefully, a recovered body so I can run-walk the heck out of this course and raise more cash for the cats and animal legislation in the UK.
Want to make a donation? Just donate $5 or £5 and pick a song to put on my marathon playlist.
And if you can’t donate, just don’t mess with my taper. I’d hate to have you on my naughty list!