Every year, I threaten to do performance reviews on the cats. This is the year it happens.
Jake, 16
Summary: Mister Jake is in the fourth quarter of life, so the fact that he’s alive means he is exceeding expectations. But, on the other hand, he’s not really contributing much to the enterprise. He’s the old guy who’s been at the office since the beginning. He’s being paid just to show up. His best days are usually spent velcroed to my body in some awkward way while I blow my nose from allergies.
Performance Review Results: Meets Expectations
Molly, 12
Summary: Molly Ruettimann is a crankypants kitty who talks too much and has an opinion on everything. She’s also the only cat who doesn’t need anything from me, doesn’t beg for my attention, and gives me secret kisses and head butts while her dad is at work. She has good markings, and she likes to make her own fun with a toy mouse when nobody is looking.
Performance Review Results: Exceeds Expectations, Bonus Eligible
Emma, 9
Summary: Poonchy Emma is a chubby, floofy poonchahontas with the best face and the sweetest pink mouf. Yes, that’s English. Emma’s coat is soft like a bunny. When I can get her to sit on my lap, I squeeze her belly and do chub rubs. She doesn’t really do much, but she’s the best all-around kitty and fits nicely in the monkey bed.
Performance Review Results: Exceeds Expectations, Bonus Eligible
Roxy, 2
Summary: Roxy is a terrorist. Her favorite thing is to zoom into a room like a ninja, throw a horse-collar on one of the other cats, and run away like a burglar in the night. She’s a treat thief and a beggar, and it’s impossible to eat yogurt in this house without giving her a bite. All the toys in the world are boring and dumb except tissue paper and Amazon boxes. You can’t tell Roxy what to do, and she always has to steal her kisses from you at 3 A.M.
Performance Review Results: Needs Immediate Improvement
***
Two of my cats exceed expectations, which means that I have an inverse-bell-curve for performance. Luckily, the bonus pool is funded and we can reward performance and retain our key workers in the Ruettimann household.
Let’s see what 2017 has in store!
What? Roxy isn’t bonus eligible?! LOVE this post.
If you decide to lay off Roxy, we can find a position for her here provided she can work well with our canine and feline employees. 😉
I’m pretty sure there’s no party like a Roxy-kitty cat party! That should earn her some bonus points!
Fantastic post! I feel for Roxy….. Jake looks like he couldn’t care less. And high fives and ? coming from Emma and Molly ? Merry Bonus Time! I mean Christmas ?
But are they engaged..? I needed this post today. Thanks! 🙂
This is the best purrformance revie I’ve seen in ages, very straight to the point and clear results!
If we’d applied standard HR criteria to our pair of aging moggies, both of them would have passed the point of final written warnings years ago. But then, just like ALL bosses at Performance Appraisal time, we simply use good ol’ confirmation bias to support our likes and suppress any unpleasant realities that don’t fit our predetermined outcomes. After all, a home without a few cats around is just a house, right…?
Happy Xmas, Laurie…
LOVE THIS.
When I have a big enough apartment to start my own cat colony, this will be on my list of end-of-the-year to-dos.