I was listening to a podcast last week and heard a commercial for mushroom coffee.

That’s right. You read that correctly. Mushroom. Coffee.

Apparently, regular coffee isn’t good enough. Mushroom coffee will make you smarter, thinner, and more productive. And, if you consume enough of it, mushroom coffee will make your dick bigger.

YOUR DICK. IT WILL BE BIGGER. MUSHROOM COFFEE.

So, yeah, gross. I’ll let you google it.

If you like coffee like I like coffee, which is a lot, you will hear the ads for mushroom coffee and think — mushrooms are for pasta and/or getting high in the woods. There’s no place for mushroom coffee in a civilized world.

But there are dudes out there who feel the pressure of getting a little older in a faster, quicker and more connected world. They work out, eat right, but feel as if they can’t keep up with younger and, in my opinion, junior men who seem to think that they run the world.

And, for whatever reason, these dudes look for a synthetic solution for a very organic process. They don’t understand that getting a little older is an incredible and extraordinary privilege. That every generation — and especially Gen Xers — can redefine and set a new standard for aging.

So these dudes who listen to podcasts will drink fake coffee, add protein to their already laxative-friendly diet, and forget what it’s like to age with grace and enthusiasm.

It breaks my heart. And it makes me want to say that, on behalf of every middle-aged dude who feels like he needs a supplement to add vigor to his life, you are perfect and don’t need to do a goddamn thing.

Fuck mushroom coffee. And fuck the drive to compete with youth. Fuck the incessant messages that middle-age is an inferior state of being. And fuck the consumption of fake food and the message it sends to younger dudes who will, with good luck, become middle-aged mothertrumpers like you.

And fuck the protein drinks, by the way. Nothing good comes from smooshing food in a blender.

Mushroom coffee sounds great on a podcast, but regular coffee is so much better. Let me repeat that. NOTHING IS BETTER THAN REAL COFFEE. If you want to optimize your performance and appearance, drink regular coffee in moderation and get some sleep at night.

That advice will serve you well.

And maybe stop listening to podcasts. Nothing good comes from taking other people’s advice when you, yourself, know so much better.

3 Responses to Mushroom Coffee
  1. Kelly O

    I like mushrooms and I like coffee but I cannot imagine them being two great tastes that taste great together.

    My personal complaint is all these “pink drink” people who think their knowledge of my personal health is better than my doctor’s, who says those things are fine if you’re fond of snake oil.

    I’ll be over here drinking my regular coffee, putting mushrooms in my pasta, and saving my “pink drink” for strawberry lemonade. With Splenda because I’m not a total hippie.

  2. Some Random Guy

    Unfortunately, we Americans worship youth so much that we’ve forgotten how to age gracefully (and gratefully). Our culture creates and reinforces the idea that only youth is good and right – in contrast to other societies where the older people ar rightly looked on with admiration for their hard-won knowledge and wisdom. If you doubt this, just look at how hard it is for people over 40 to find new jobs.

    FWIW, the French think Americans have forgotten how to live. I happen to agree with them.

  3. Chris Curran

    Amen Laurie!
    – from a middle aged dude