I would like to apologize for live-tweeting major award ceremonies like the Oscars and the Grammys.

(What a waste of time. I’m sorry.)

I would like to apologize for commenting on what people are wearing while wearing yoga pants and my retainers. (I’m an ass.)

I would like to apologize for contributing to a social media environment where everybody chimes in on current events and tries to be funnier than the next person. (None of us are as funny as we think we are, and this is especially true in my case.)

I am starting to count up all the hours I’ve wasted being “witty” and “funny” and I realize — Christ, no wonder I don’t have a hardcover book.

My expertise falls into three categories: work, life, and cats. I have a discerning eye for when people are working and doing stupid things, and I know a lot of random shit about the world.

But I’m not a comedian, and neither are you.

Having made a few friends who are full-time comedic writers and actors over the past few years, I am beginning to see how most of them follow the Craig Ferguson model of tweeting.

# Does this need to be said?
# Does this need to be said by me?
# Does this need to be said now?

I’m going to start following this methodology ASAP.

And I’m going to take a standup writing workshop this year. Why the hell not? I have an inkling that I could be a comedian — or a comedic writer, at the very least — and I’d like to pursue that angle in my life.


  1. Can I be honest?

    I WANT to be funny. I want to be one of those people who can tell a story in such a way that leaves a room in stitches. I want to come up with a quick, witty response that leaves people wanting more.

    And I just can’t. I can come up with something after the fact. And when I tell you about the time Ma-Maw dropped the pecan pie, all you would get out of it is that I am way too attached to that pie plate, and it wouldn’t be that funny.

    I am becoming okay with this, but I catch myself trying WAY too hard sometimes, and have to basically send myself to the internet corner and remember it’s okay to not be that funny friend.

  2. i am a comedian, at least sometimes. On New Year’s Eve at the synagogue I had the audience laughing and at the end, I got mild applause. I have done some stand-up. No bananas tossed so it was a fruitless pursuit 🙁 As I do some tech support, humor helps when the clueless customer has messed up badly. Humor also helps when dealing with warring factions at work. The deadline does not care who is annoyed. Humor can stop the annoyance and allow work to continue.

  3. Excited to read you are planning to take a comedy writing class! That’s great. The best advice I ever got when I was first hitting the circuit, and it’s held true, is that comedy only comes from two places: truth and pain. Since we all have those inside us, we all have the spark to be comedians.

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